Perpetual Wisdom from a Wise Guy

Each year I survive has brought me a new year to challenge my survival. I have made it all right each year, so far. This is good because the alternative takes a lot of time away from completing daily chores. I like to think I am becoming wiser with age but I also like to think I still have a gall bladder.

In the wake of a new year, here are gems of wisdom I wish to share.

Money will buy a fine dog but only a true bitch will be the Best of Show.

Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs but no one in a wheelchair ever won a Black Belt.

There are no new sins. But don’t worry, it’s a creator’s market these days.

Money can’t buy happiness but sometimes it can.

If I was asked if I support physician-assisted suicide I would answer, “Yes, but I wouldn’t want him to marry my daughter.”

I discovered that an “everything” bagel is missing something.

Why don’t people like me, like me?

Ordinary contraptions work best in the dark.

I gave up soap operas because I can no longer tell the difference between the young and the restless or the bold and the beautiful.

Even at my age, I sometimes forget to close my mouth when I drink.

A life is composed greatly from unconscious powers, though you cannot row a boat when asleep.

We don’t tell everyone that we know everything because we never meet everyone.

They say silly talk is a sign of shallowness and vanity is a mark of stupidity. But they never tell you not to carry food in a beret.

Positive choices and positive attitudes contribute to success, unless the positive is for HIV.

Inspiration is supposed to create a never-ending power that makes you go on and on and on. Yet, we all die and that’s that.

Superstition can kill the thinking mind. But being curious can continually get you off.

People tend to exaggerate their strengths. At least that is what my friend Zeus told me.

A frank and critical person is usually named Frank.

Think first before you express an opinion. Don’t think twice, however, to lie about it.

Have a heart that never hardens. But don’t make that a case for certain other body parts.

Meow says the cat, quack says the duck, honk says the goose, ruff says that dog but I say, f**k you and the horse you rode in on.

 

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Known for his comedic acumen, Cotolo has made his living as a writer and a performer all of his life and during the lives of others. He is the author of the novel License to Skill and has co-authored its screenplay version, Molotov Memoirs, a collection of short stories. The Complete and Unabridged History of Japan, an epic novel, and a serious novella, Sweet Shephered. Frank Cotolo was born in Brooklyn and has worked in broadcasting, film, theater, music and television. He is currently the host of Cotolo Chronicles, one of the Internet’s first live broadcast radio shows.

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